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Socially acceptable forms of child torture

I’ve just finished the first week of coaching Ben’s cross-country team, and can I just say right now THIS IS AWESOME. Who knew torturing kids would be so fun?

Seriously, one of the things I’ve noticed having kids of my own, is that kids LOVE torture. They like to scream bloody murder when you chase them and pretend to be a monster. They love to howl when you tickle them until they pee. BUT, let me tell you: THEY LOVE IT. Nice? They don’t want nice. Professor Umbridge is NICE, she doesn’t give hard homework, does she? She doesn’t tease anyone, or make students challenge themselves, or do anything hard, right?

Nobody likes Professor Umbridge.

And, as much as I love playing Professor Umbridge for Harry Potter events, the fun part of it is going around giving all the kids “the eye.” You know what I mean — that look, with the eyebrows raised?

Cartoon drawing of Harry Potter and Professor Dolores Umbridge

Well, it scares them to death. Scaring = torture = happy kids. SEE???

So guess what — making kids do wind sprints and push-ups = torture = happy kids. It’s awesome!

Seriously, the first practice I tried to go a little easy on them, and they kept begging for more laps. Yes, BEGGING. So the next practice? Sprints. And then more sprints. And then longer sprints. AND THEN THEIR PARENTS E-MAIL ME TO TELL ME HOW MUCH THEIR KIDS LOVED THE PRACTICE. Oh really? They did?

Bwah ha ha ha ha!!!

So every other day I get to devise more difficult and painful things FOR PEOPLE OTHER THAN MYSELF to do. It’s like I was MADE for this.

Look at all these kids willingly running their butts off:
Kids running in a cross-country meet

I get to torture my own kid, too:
Ben running the 1-mile course

AWESOME.

And here I thought this was thankless volunteer work! The plus side is that EVERYONE ELSE thinks it is, so they keep thanking me!

DUDE, I COULD EVEN GET A GIFT OUT OF THIS.

Ben runs with his best friend

I can’t believe it’s taken me 8 years to figure out this racket. I always wondered why Ben’s soccer coach ended practice with a smile…

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Beauty and the Beast

It’s a crazy world in the Martinez household, with four dogs and two cats now holding court in a borrowed house. A few days ago Saffron and Henna, one of the dogs we’re housesitting, jumped out the window we keep cracked for the cats. (The cats, I might add, are very unhappy that we’ve taken up residence here; they responded by urinating on everything in the closet in Ben’s room. Subtle, cats are.) Have I mentioned the poop?  It appears that six animals create a lot of, shall we say, animal waste?  Or, in other words, there’s a lot of sh** going down around here.

Yes, it’s Saturday, and by 6:30 a.m. this morning we were in full crisis mode.  Two dogs got out of the yard this morning but only one came back (Saffron, my dog, the one I can AFFORD to lose of course); I called and called, and finally a neighbor stopped me and said she had found Henna and had her in her yard. We went to her house, only to find that Henna had escaped — again. I organized a small neighborhood search team to find her, only to find she had finally gone home  – Ben very graciously let her in and closed the door silently behind her. I’m not sure how many years I lost off my life over that.

However, as anyone who is a pet owner knows, there are moments when the owner gets to remember why s/he decided to adopt or buy or accept a pet and today it was Ewok’s turn to remind us why the escaping/pooping/barking/shedding is worth it.

Behold, Maya, asleep on the floor after throwing a fit because she decided she wanted peanut butter toast instead of peanut butter bread:

Yep, she fell asleep in the middle of a tantrum.

Yep, she fell asleep in the middle of a tantrum.

Yes, she is asleep in the middle of the kitchen, in her white princess dress, in the middle of a trantrum. I think she might have been a teensy bit tired — after all, she got up at 6 a.m. to play with the dogs.

I kept walking past her, getting snacks, making tea, etc., when I looked down and saw this:

I think the girl and dog MIGHT have bonded a little.

I think the girl and dog MIGHT have bonded a little.

Ewok, as I’ve mentioned, is ridiculously cute, and curled up next to the naughty little princess…well, it’s going to be a bit tough to find him a new home, now, isn’t it?

HMMMMMmmmmmmm.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving 2009 - in sepia

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Hiatus?

Sorry for the lack of communication on my blog lately, but I’ve been too busy being ridiculously happy in my new job to worry much about this site. I love, love, love my new job — there are no customers, my supervisors are great, and there is a lot of thinking/problem solving involved, all of which makes me extremely happy. I don’t think I’ve ever had a job I liked as well. The fact that I get to pick my own schedule and can work from home in a pinch is just icing on an already delicious cake.

I do have photos and videos of the kids, for those of you who would like to see them before they are 41. We just upgraded our computer to Windows 7, which has resulted in the software for our camera now working with the software on the computer, so I have about 400 photos to upload and sort now. I WILL get that done soon, and post some pictures.

Ben is currently loving 2nd grade, and he’s doing very well in school. He is still completely obsessed with space, Star Wars and becoming an astronaut, and I use it as an excuse to teach him more math. He’s taken up chess and is doing well with it, and will be in his first chess competition in late November. Primarily we go to the county library’s chess club once a week for practice, and play a lot at our new favorite coffee shop, but we’re considering starting a chess club at his school too. Nerdiness starts early, people.

Ben is also doing well in soccer, although this year it is three days a week rather than two, so with that and the chess club/afterschool enrichment programs/afterschool sports programs his life is very busy. I worried about this at first, but, typically, Ben loves the activity and is thriving on action.

Maya started preschool/daycare and also loves it, making me feel somewhat like a mom accessory that is just there for the cookies, macaroni and cheese and free transportation. Of course I was trying to limit her time in preschool, up until one day a few weeks ago when she saw me come in to pick her up, shrieked, and ran to the back of the room where she dived under a table and curled up into a ball. Yes, mama, I missed you! But could you just go away, it’s dress-up time and it’s my turn to wear the Belle dress and I’d rather you disappear so I can prance around to the envy of the other girls wearing less shimmery/poufy items.

So, after coaxing her out from under the table and forcing her to explain herself, I did leave so she could play in the Belle costume for a bit, and I have to say my steps are much less hurried (and much less worried) when I pick her up at the end of the day now. Last weekend she threw multiple fits because we wouldn’t take her to school, and refused to believe there wasn’t school on the weekends. I take all this to mean that she likes school. Maybe. A little.

So, life is going well in the Martinez household. I don’t have good pics, but I do have this great Halloween video from my high school friend Sam. I believe he is the guitarist/leader singer, and it’s pretty fun. As the song suggests…be sure to buy lots of candy!

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