I’ve just finished the first week of coaching Ben’s cross-country team, and can I just say right now THIS IS AWESOME. Who knew torturing kids would be so fun?
Seriously, one of the things I’ve noticed having kids of my own, is that kids LOVE torture. They like to scream bloody murder when you chase them and pretend to be a monster. They love to howl when you tickle them until they pee. BUT, let me tell you: THEY LOVE IT. Nice? They don’t want nice. Professor Umbridge is NICE, she doesn’t give hard homework, does she? She doesn’t tease anyone, or make students challenge themselves, or do anything hard, right?
Nobody likes Professor Umbridge.
And, as much as I love playing Professor Umbridge for Harry Potter events, the fun part of it is going around giving all the kids “the eye.” You know what I mean — that look, with the eyebrows raised?

Well, it scares them to death. Scaring = torture = happy kids. SEE???
So guess what — making kids do wind sprints and push-ups = torture = happy kids. It’s awesome!
Seriously, the first practice I tried to go a little easy on them, and they kept begging for more laps. Yes, BEGGING. So the next practice? Sprints. And then more sprints. And then longer sprints. AND THEN THEIR PARENTS E-MAIL ME TO TELL ME HOW MUCH THEIR KIDS LOVED THE PRACTICE. Oh really? They did?
Bwah ha ha ha ha!!!
So every other day I get to devise more difficult and painful things FOR PEOPLE OTHER THAN MYSELF to do. It’s like I was MADE for this.
Look at all these kids willingly running their butts off:

I get to torture my own kid, too:

AWESOME.
And here I thought this was thankless volunteer work! The plus side is that EVERYONE ELSE thinks it is, so they keep thanking me!
DUDE, I COULD EVEN GET A GIFT OUT OF THIS.

I can’t believe it’s taken me 8 years to figure out this racket. I always wondered why Ben’s soccer coach ended practice with a smile…



