Valentine’s Day

Today is Valentine’s Day, and the world ’round men are out buying cheesy white teddy bears with red hearts for their sweethearts, along with a box of chocolates and a half dozen red roses. It’s a rule.

Honestly.

Actually, today I remembered one of the boons of having a highly-sought-after roommate in college.

LeeAnn and I were opposites; she wore high heels and figure-flattering pantsuits, and I wore t-shirts over henley tops with worn-out jeans and birkenstocks. She liked country music, and I wasn’t sure what I liked but country was low on my list.

We would go dancing, and she would dance, while I played the role of the audience. Nevertheless, we had a reasonable partnership, particularly on holidays like Valentine’s Day, because of one simple thing: LeeAnn, for whatever reason, does not like chocolate. Men bought her chocolate, usually with roses and a teddy bear, for no apparent reason — it was the summer soltice, perhaps, or possibly because it rained on Thursday? I never knew.

The funny thing is, I always knew it was a new guy(s), because anyone who knew LeeAnn knew she didn’t like chocolate. LeeAnn, of course, would just give or throw the chocolate away. I am not kidding you. I can’t actually imagine throwing away a $50 giant heart-shaped box of fine chocolates, but LeeAnn just didn’t care. So, being her roommate, and not wanting to see that chocolate go into the trash (I mean, what a waste, right?) I would help her out by eating all that fabulous chocolate for her, thereby relieving her guilt and performing a service for the human race in preventing needless waste.

It was a beautiful partnership.

I enjoyed the chocolate, it’s true, but secretly I always wanted a vase full of red roses for Valentine’s Day. That was something I loved about Marti — he was romantic when I couldn’t be anything but skeptical, and he always met my boat in Okinawa with a rose in his hand. It made me feel embarrassed — after all, I was the behind-the-scenes chocolate-consuming type of girl, not the recipient-of-flowers girlfriend type of girl — but even though I openly scoffed at the gesture I secretly loved it.

Fast forward eight years.

Now, I’m just going to say that, for the record, this is the first time Marti has ever not gotten me a romantic gift. I, on the other hand, have been known to actually forget Valentine’s Day and run out for a generic card at the last minute. However, this year Marti got me a gift that, although it isn’t romantic, it is something I have secretly wanted as much as I used to want roses.

Can you guess what it is?

A kitten?

Of course not! Marti refuses to let me get another animal, even though he likes cats. Besides, Saffron likes cats too — they taste like chicken.

He got me a Roomba.

Red roses, move over.

Disclaimer: It is known in many quarters that buying your wife or girlfriend a practical gift for a holiday can end up putting you “into the doghouse” so to speak. So for all those men who think, “I’ll get her a toaster!” or “How about this nice Dirt Devil?” you need to realize; the Roomba cleans all by itself. It does not need to be pushed about by another human, namely, the female in question. Plus, it entertains children and pets. So don’t run out and buy a lampshade for your sweetheart, saying, “But Missy liked a vacuum cleaner!” Unless you’re suave and sophisticated in the desires of women, like cough Marti cough, you should stick to what you know: might I suggest some nice roses or a white teddy bear?