Money and Marriage

I saw this link on Boston Gal’s Open Wallet and after reading the first paragraph, I wanted to send it to a few friends. After the first page, I wanted to send it to about half a dozen friends, and by the end, I wanted to send it to so many people I just decided to post it.

A friend of mine is really shocked that Marti and I have “separate” money, but it has really worked for us so far. We combine money for big things — the mortgage, insurance, monthly bills, etc. — but saving and paying off credit cards is mostly individual. With the holidays coming up in a few days, I thought this might be an enlightening article to those who tend to fight about money during this time. The article, called Men, Women and Money is long, but worth the read. Here’s a blurb from the end of the article:

8 TIPS TO TALKING ABOUT MONEY

Never try to negotiate about money before airing your feelings; otherwise, negotiations will always break down.

1. Find a non-stressful time when money is not a loaded issue (not tax season, please) and when the kids are not around. Agree on some ground rules: no interrupting each other; no long tirades; after one person shares a difficult piece of information, the partner will try to mirror it back before responding.

2. Take turns sharing your childhood messages about money. How did your parents save it, spend it, talk about it? How did they deal with allowances? What specific money messages did you get and how might they be affecting you today?

3. Share your old hurts, resentments and fears about money.

4. Mention your concerns and fears about your partner’s money style. Then acknowledge what you admire about their methods and what you secretly envy. Hoarders secretly admire spenders’ capacity to enjoy life in the present, while spenders secretly envy hoarders’ ability to set limits, to budget and delay gratification. But typically they won’t tell each other because they’re afraid it confers license to continue in that style. In reality, positive statements help to make partners feel safe enough to give up the negative aspects of their behavior.

5. Talk about your goals for the future, short and long-term.

6. Share your hopes and dreams.

7. Consider making a shared budget or a spending plan together by merging the hopes and the goals that have come up on your list more than once.

8. Set a time to have the next money talk. Aim for weekly conversations in the beginning, then monthly ones.

Happy Holidays!